growing up....

As a very young child I always knew I was meant to be a Mom. I never really thought of anything else. Early into my teen years, I was always a fan of children. I always seemed to be able find a baby, befriend one, and be in love instantly. Whether it was a relative, or someone I babysat. I was drawn to them. I never really thought about why until recently. I've discovered that I've had more friends under the age of four, than I did my own age. The only reasonable explanation at that time, was just that babies liked me. I was "fun" to them. Instead of going out with friends on a Friday night, I am sure I was either at home, or someone else's home babysitting their kid(s).

It wasn't until I became a Mom myself that I realized that my love for children and their ability to love unconditionally, was probably my reason for not allowing myself to make friends with those in my own age bracket. Children do not know how to hurt. They do not disappoint. It would be pretty difficult to find a baby or young child that even knows how to hurt one's feelings. For some reason or another I was a sensitive child. I was quick to think "No one likes me everybody hates me I guess I'll go eat worms." So, with this lack of confidence I was attracted to little kids, like a moth to a flame. I learned a lot. I am learning even more now.

Now as an adult I see how silly this was. I see how absurd I acted. But I also still carry some issues on how to relate to other people. This needs to end. How is it possible that an 11 and half month old baby, could be my one true BFF? Why have I allowed myself to only feel interesting enough to be friends with babies?

This is a good thing and yet, a bad thing all in one. It is good to know what I am good at. I am good at caring for children. I am (I think) a pretty good Mom. However I am not the best at being a friend. I am not good at setting aside my own anxieties to put myself out there and really love on someone other than family. I am so caught up in waiting and expecting to get hurt by someone, I don't even try.

This must change.

I guess this blog is my first step. A therapy of sorts...

Something I can read to myself and put out my true feelings.

Every expectation I had growing of being a Mommy has come true. Giving birth, and experiencing the overwhelming amount of instant love given to you has been a world wind of emotion! It is no joke how much I love my child. God has given me a gift. He has shown me His love. He is now ready for me to love Him back. To respect Him. To use my gifts.

I am a good friend. I am fun to be around. I am worth it. That is what He wants me to know today.

Does any of this make sense? Probably not. ha ha.

We shall see what happens.