Healing...

I know, I know... I said that I would post more than once every few months, but I gotta tell you...life living got in the way. Some good life living.

I need to tell ya'll a story. I think its a doosey. It is a story about healing. Healing isn't something that just comes and goes. It needs to happen every day, and it is something to be valued.

My life in the last 3 years has been a story of healing. See, most of you don't know this...but my husband is a recovering alcoholic. I would give more details...but thats not my story to tell. MY story includes a different perspective...my eyes saw a different world, my heart felt a diffrent kind of hurt. A hurt for the man I know God gave me for a reason. This hurt ran deep. I felt it in my bones. To this day I believe that, that kind of hurt will never really go away; but the love takes over every day.

Healing is a process. Recovery is a process. Love is also a process... To heal through love is a beautiful sight. I feel blessed to have been given the gift of loving my sweet husband through his hurt. I decided a long time ago in my heart that I would stand by him. I would love him the way our Lord does, and pray like the dickens he'd see value in his life. Value in our life together.

I take no credit for his sobriety. I know in my heart of hearts that without prayer our story of healing would not have even begun. My job, as his wife and as a Christ follower is to hold on. I will hold on tight. I will love our boys with every breath I breathe and I will heal. I will listen to the whispers of Jesus. I will heal. I am healing. I am so grateful this evening. Its his Birthday. Goodness am I ever glad this sweet man was born.

In three weeks we will celebrate a year. A whole year without a single sip. We will celebrate our family, and our healing. We have only just begun. There is a long road ahead.

I am so grateful for this journey. I am grateful.

Healing...

Its a good feeling.

Healing...

Jordan Tyler Ellis

I'm a pretty lucky gal. I have a wonderful husband, a sweet baby, and I have the opportunity to help raise this cutie patootie...

This is my adorable step-son Jordan.

I remember the first time I ever saw him. I was a waitress at Chili's where Darrell was my manager. Jordan would come visit his Daddy at work. I got a glimpse of how sweet their relationship was right from the beginning. Jordan adored his Daddy, and my heart melted. When Darrell and I began discussing the idea of a relationship I knew that I would not only be dating him, but I'd be committing to a family. This was one of the easiest decisions of my life. Jordan made it easy.

The first day Jordan told me he loved me is a moment I will never forget. See, he didn't have to love me. He already had a Momma. A good one. He didn't have to let me into his heart. But he did anyways. He was exposed to a new kind of a love from me. I loved his laugh, I loved his energy, I loved how every time I looked at him I saw such great innocense. He was a product of my husband and I adored him from the moment I met him.

I  mean look at him here. This is a face to love. I was captured, not only by the love I had for Darrell, but the love I had for Jordan.







Now, here's some honesty.

Life has not always been peaches and cream. Becoming a step parent is hard. It is really hard to have to share your husband from the get go. It was also hard for me to know that for the rest of our married life, Darrell would still be connected to Jordan's Mom. Something, I have not dealt with, with as much grace as I probably should have. I will continue to learn. I will not however, stop loving this sweet child. He deserves SO much love and guidance from whoever is willing to give it to him. He deserves the world.

Just as I would pray for Jace, I pray for Jordan. I love them both. I am learning how to balance. I am learning how to show Jordan exactly how I feel for him. I am learning how to relate to a 7 year old. It is a constant battle. What is appropriate or not? I will have to learn.

I am willing to learn.

I am willing to humble myself and become the best dang, step mommy I can be.

I am looking forward to being a part of his story. I am hoping that he feels like I deserve to be a part of his story.

I am hoping that he loves me today, the same way he did years ago.

Jordan, this is my love letter to you. I love your smile, I love how much you love your Daddy, I love how caring you are, I love how helpful you are, and I love how you adore your baby brother. Thank you for being a gift to my life. For reminding me to be silly, and to enjoy things. Thank you for gooey smores, and violent video games. Thank you for being mature beyond your years in understanding that adults make stupid mistakes, and kids get caught in the middle. Thank you for not allowing yourself to get caught in the middle. You care for us even when we don't deseve it.

Mallie loves you.

More than you'll ever know.

A letter to my son at 50 weeks old.

Dear Jace,

    In exactly 14 days, you will be ONE! Just think, only 20 years and 14 days until you can buy a can of beer all by yourself and I can't do a stinkin' thing about it. It is important to have a goal or two. Remember that.

     I decided to write this letter to you today instead of on the actual anniversary of your birth because I fear on that day (In two weeks! Did I mention you will be ONE IN TWO WEEKS!) Mama will be holding and kissing you all day singing the "Happy Birthday" song to you until you will no longer care to hear it. I have been thinking about the things I have wanted to say to you on your 1st birthday and I'd like to start by telling you EXACTLY how much Mama wanted to have you!

    Daddy and I got married on July 25th 2009. It was a precious day. I felt so beautiful and full of love while walking down the aisle to marry your handsome Daddy. Your big brother was there too.
 He was Daddy's best man ya know? He looked like such a lil' man in his tux. I was not only marrying Daddy, I was becoming Jordan's new step-mommy. A role I was completely excited for. Daddy and Jordan's relationship has and always has been so precious to me. Seeing the two of them together made me realize immediately that I wanted to add to our family as soon as possible.

    Everyone in the family teased me, saying "I will not be surprised if you don't come home from your honeymoon preggo." Boy, did we show them! We actually waited TWO WHOLE months before you were in my tummy. Haha... Just goes to show you how much Mama and Daddy really wanted to have you.

    On Thursday September 14, 2009 Momma took a test. A very important test. I had Daddy go to CVS to buy it. We looked for that 2nd line and didn't see a thing. We were really surprised. I tossed the test in the bathroom trash can, and we went to bed. The next morning, while Mama was brushing her teeth, I looked down...THERE WERE 2 LINES ON THAT STICK! We weren't patient enough the night before! Mama ran to the store and bought another set of tests. BOTH SAID "pregnant" on the digital screens. I was in shock. YOU were coming!!! I drove to Daddy's work. When I got there he was sweeping the parking lot. I drove up next to him and handed him the baggy with the test in it. He shook his head and said...."here we go!" and gave Mama a BIG hug! Such a precious moment for us baby boy. You were coming.

    So, I will spare you the details of the excruciating 9 months you were in the womb. I will fast forward to the week you came into our lives.

    June 1 2010 began like any other day. I was 37 weeks pregnant. We had just moved into our new home. Mommy went to Longwood to have her weekly check up with her Doctor. She examined me and my blood pressure was really really high. She then said "it time to get that baby out." 3 weeks before we were ready to have you, I was headed to the hospital to get induced. You were coming! I was so excited I couldn't stand it! Daddy had just started his new job, so he had to go into work for a few hours. Your Nina took Mama to the hospital. I got all "hooked up" and they gave me some medicine. We knew we'd be in it for a loooooonnng wait. I was told to relax and just let the medicine do its job. Boy did it.

 Daddy showed up that evening and we tried to get some sleep. The next morning Mama's doctor came in to check on my progress. I was ALREADY 2-3 cents. dilated! We were headed to Labor and Delivery! SO surreal! So full of JOY!

    A long labor of about 10 hours and 23 minutes of pushing later you were placed on Mama'a chest. You came right out! At 12:29 am early on June 3rd you came out. OUT OF ME! You were the cutest little 6 lb 11 oz ball of white mucus I had EVER seen! Your little cry sounded like a baby eagle. Such a sweet little screech! I was elated! Mama was pretty exhausted, but so incredibly in love with you already!   

    You looked just like your brother. JUST LIKE HIM! This made your Daddy very proud. This meant you looked just like him. You had Ellis features with MY mouth. Oh those lips needed kisses. Those lips...

   

     The next few days consisted of visitors, kisses, pictures, jaundice, and more kisses. Eventually, late on Saturday the 5th we went home. THEY LET us bring your little helpless self home with us! You were ours. Forever. Ours. Such an amazing gift!

     Here I've managed to last 12 months, but of course "lasting" could be interpreted several different ways. And you did, too! LOOK AT YOU GO. You are so smart. You have slept through the night since you were only 6 weeks old. You have been a JOY! You have a dreamy face. You are full of questions that I hope I will be able to answer.

We lasted the first year together Bubba. It has been the most amazing year of my life. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being such a good baby. I love you more than words can describe!

Love, Momma

Every little boy needs a "minny"...

I got the inspiration for this post the other night at my parents house. While I was at work, my wonderful and gracious parents baby sat Jace. They adore him. He adores them.

When my Mom went to grab Jace out of the Pack and Play he was snuggling in, she also pulled out Jace's 'minny'. His hand woven, (by a family friend) comfy, blue and white blanket. For the last several months Jace has been pretty attached to this thing. He even gives it kisses.

Now here is why we call it a 'minny.' about 3 years ago when my nephew Jackson began to talk he called his lime green and blue blanket his 'minny'. Now, we weren't sure at all where this came from. my sister had never used this word to describe a blanket, nor had he heard any of us called it that. His sweet little brain decided to call it a 'minny'.

From that day forward it stuck.

Edison was next. Now, this kid is amazing. He is the absolute best example of our very own "Linus" from Charlie Brown. He sucks his thumb, and drags his minny around everywhere. It is such a comfort to him. So much so that on his 2nd Christmas, me and my husband bought him an exact replica of Linus' blanket at a specialty store. This makes my heart happy.

Now, a few years later my son has one. He cannot sleep without it. It has been washed already at least 15 times. He has vomited on it. He has drooled on it. it is HIS. His very first expression of material desire. He thinks he needs it. When he sees it lying on the ground across the room he rushed over to it and digs his face into its soft fluff.

One day, all of these sweet little boys in my life will out grow their minnys. They will move on and be interested in other things. Video games, team sports, school, and then one day girls, cars, and money. (iam in great denial about the thought of my little guy interested in girls-makes me want to puke actually). This is life. Growing up happens.

So as me and my older sister watch our baby boys grow, we will remember their 'minnys.' We will pack them up, and save them. Pull them out of boxes in fifteen years and hold them. We will cry. We will remember how much fun we have had experiencing life with our sons.

For this I am grateful.

growing up....

As a very young child I always knew I was meant to be a Mom. I never really thought of anything else. Early into my teen years, I was always a fan of children. I always seemed to be able find a baby, befriend one, and be in love instantly. Whether it was a relative, or someone I babysat. I was drawn to them. I never really thought about why until recently. I've discovered that I've had more friends under the age of four, than I did my own age. The only reasonable explanation at that time, was just that babies liked me. I was "fun" to them. Instead of going out with friends on a Friday night, I am sure I was either at home, or someone else's home babysitting their kid(s).

It wasn't until I became a Mom myself that I realized that my love for children and their ability to love unconditionally, was probably my reason for not allowing myself to make friends with those in my own age bracket. Children do not know how to hurt. They do not disappoint. It would be pretty difficult to find a baby or young child that even knows how to hurt one's feelings. For some reason or another I was a sensitive child. I was quick to think "No one likes me everybody hates me I guess I'll go eat worms." So, with this lack of confidence I was attracted to little kids, like a moth to a flame. I learned a lot. I am learning even more now.

Now as an adult I see how silly this was. I see how absurd I acted. But I also still carry some issues on how to relate to other people. This needs to end. How is it possible that an 11 and half month old baby, could be my one true BFF? Why have I allowed myself to only feel interesting enough to be friends with babies?

This is a good thing and yet, a bad thing all in one. It is good to know what I am good at. I am good at caring for children. I am (I think) a pretty good Mom. However I am not the best at being a friend. I am not good at setting aside my own anxieties to put myself out there and really love on someone other than family. I am so caught up in waiting and expecting to get hurt by someone, I don't even try.

This must change.

I guess this blog is my first step. A therapy of sorts...

Something I can read to myself and put out my true feelings.

Every expectation I had growing of being a Mommy has come true. Giving birth, and experiencing the overwhelming amount of instant love given to you has been a world wind of emotion! It is no joke how much I love my child. God has given me a gift. He has shown me His love. He is now ready for me to love Him back. To respect Him. To use my gifts.

I am a good friend. I am fun to be around. I am worth it. That is what He wants me to know today.

Does any of this make sense? Probably not. ha ha.

We shall see what happens.

My very first post.

I'll be honest. I never really got into the whole Idea of a blog. I never thought I had very much to say. That is until June 3, 2010. My whole life was completely changed. On that day almost one year ago at 12:29 am, I gave birth to Jace Zachary Palmer Ellis. The cutest baby I have ever seen (I am a bit biased, however). He looked just like my husbands 6 year old Jordan Tyler. I mean the spittin' image of the kid. I was completely taken away. I was captured. I was made new. I saw Jesus in that moment. A new kind of experience with the Lord. He allowed, me and my husband that HONOR to create this child. I will remember and cherish that moment for the rest of my life.

Now, as I prepare for Jace's 1st birthday party...I am trying hard to cherish and remember every moment in the last year. This blog, is in honor of my first year as a Mommy. A lot of blogs begin on the day some Mommies get home from the Hospital. They talk about the lack of sleep, nursing, being tired, more nursing, pain, love, late night feedings, etc.

This blog is different.

This one is about me.

This one is about how I have found my reason for my life.

Enjoy.